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thelostmaximoffTitle: Dog Eat Dog
Fandom: X-Men (X-Force)
Rating: T
Genre: Angst/Spiritual
Pairings: None
Warnings: This fic (like the comic) implies what happened with Rahne in X-Force #6 without actually saying it.
Summary: The world is a cruel place and Rahne understands that better than most.
Dog Eat Dog
I can’t remember a single moment during the incident involving Reverend Craig. I’ve heard stories of people who black out and completely lose time without any recollection of their whereabouts or actions. It’s not difficult to think that someone who suffered psychological trauma would want to bury those injuries. I can’t remember anything except looking at him while we were in the lab. Then I remember vomiting a lot and the sticky slickness of blood, so much blood that I could have bathed in it. There was no body. I don’t remember anything again until we got back to Warren’s place.
I haven’t done a lot of things since that night. I haven’t slept since then, not even a wee bit. I’ve tried but on some level I’m terrified of what I’ll see when I close my eyes. I’m terrified that when I sleep I’ll remember what I know on some deep, subconscious level. On that deep, subconscious level, I know exactly what I did to the man who was my father yet wasn’t a father to me at all. I haven’t asked any of the others how they found me or what they saw when they found me. None of them have said anything about it. All of us know what happened. I know what happened but if I choose to fully process it mentally then I’ll go insane. If I choose to realize how ungodly my actions were then I will break apart inside.
I haven’t eaten anything since that night. Just the idea of it makes me want to throw up again. My throat still burns from the bile. I can’t remember ever throwing up that much in my life. It’s interesting that some people call it “purging”, as if they can cleanse themselves from anything undesirable simply by puking it up. Maybe that’s what I tried to do that night, purge myself of the sickness and filth inside me. I can never be clean though. Like Lady Macbeth, the blood won’t come off my hands no matter how hard or long I scrub. Was he right all along? Was my father right when he damned me to Hell for being so repulsive and vile? I made peace long ago with the fact that he was my biological father and I swore that I wouldn’t let his blood corrupt me. Now his blood is inside me, festering like a cancer threatening to permeate me. His flesh is my flesh and the black ugliness inside him has now taken root in me where it continues to grow. On some deep, subconscious level I know exactly what I did to him and in the blackest part of my soul I enjoyed it.
I haven’t read my Bible since I signed on with X-Force. I tucked it away in the drawer of a table in one of Warren’s guest rooms. This world is a dark and dirty place sometimes. I knew exactly what we would be doing and I didn’t want to carry God around with me while I broke His commandments. This world beats us up and tears us down sometimes. It shows us the darkest parts of ourselves and turns beautiful souls into ugly monsters. I believed I could redeem my father so I followed him into Hell. As a reward for my eternal optimism, his hate and evil consumed me until I, in turn, consumed him.
Where is God? It’s a question everyone asks in moments of crisis, in the dark times when what some people say is our true nature is revealed. I remember as a wee, young lass I learned the story of Job. Job had a nice home and a loving family not to mention a good relationship with God. Satan decided that he would reveal Job’s faith as a lie by taking away all of the good things God had given him. God allowed catastrophes to befall Job one after another and I remember asking my father why God let Satan do such terrible things to him. Reverend Craig told me it was because Job needed to be punished for his lack of faith in the Lord Almighty. Am I Job now, Lord? Was this punishment for my lack of faith in your everlasting redemption that extends even to unholy monsters like my father?
There are no answers. There are no answers in the sleepless nights when my weary body begs for rest yet my mind forces me awake. There are no answers in the empty growls of my stomach as it begs for nourishment nor in the gnawing guilt I feel in the pit of my soul. There are no answers in the book I have led my life according to and the God who may forgive all sins but seems content with letting them occur over and over again. Sometimes bad things always happen to the best of people and though all of us may start out with beautiful, gentle souls the world will take what we love and destroy it. The world is a cruel place sometimes and it’s at its cruelest when it forces us to survive at the expense of the ones we love.
Fandom: X-Men (X-Force)
Rating: T
Genre: Angst/Spiritual
Pairings: None
Warnings: This fic (like the comic) implies what happened with Rahne in X-Force #6 without actually saying it.
Summary: The world is a cruel place and Rahne understands that better than most.
Dog Eat Dog
I can’t remember a single moment during the incident involving Reverend Craig. I’ve heard stories of people who black out and completely lose time without any recollection of their whereabouts or actions. It’s not difficult to think that someone who suffered psychological trauma would want to bury those injuries. I can’t remember anything except looking at him while we were in the lab. Then I remember vomiting a lot and the sticky slickness of blood, so much blood that I could have bathed in it. There was no body. I don’t remember anything again until we got back to Warren’s place.
I haven’t done a lot of things since that night. I haven’t slept since then, not even a wee bit. I’ve tried but on some level I’m terrified of what I’ll see when I close my eyes. I’m terrified that when I sleep I’ll remember what I know on some deep, subconscious level. On that deep, subconscious level, I know exactly what I did to the man who was my father yet wasn’t a father to me at all. I haven’t asked any of the others how they found me or what they saw when they found me. None of them have said anything about it. All of us know what happened. I know what happened but if I choose to fully process it mentally then I’ll go insane. If I choose to realize how ungodly my actions were then I will break apart inside.
I haven’t eaten anything since that night. Just the idea of it makes me want to throw up again. My throat still burns from the bile. I can’t remember ever throwing up that much in my life. It’s interesting that some people call it “purging”, as if they can cleanse themselves from anything undesirable simply by puking it up. Maybe that’s what I tried to do that night, purge myself of the sickness and filth inside me. I can never be clean though. Like Lady Macbeth, the blood won’t come off my hands no matter how hard or long I scrub. Was he right all along? Was my father right when he damned me to Hell for being so repulsive and vile? I made peace long ago with the fact that he was my biological father and I swore that I wouldn’t let his blood corrupt me. Now his blood is inside me, festering like a cancer threatening to permeate me. His flesh is my flesh and the black ugliness inside him has now taken root in me where it continues to grow. On some deep, subconscious level I know exactly what I did to him and in the blackest part of my soul I enjoyed it.
I haven’t read my Bible since I signed on with X-Force. I tucked it away in the drawer of a table in one of Warren’s guest rooms. This world is a dark and dirty place sometimes. I knew exactly what we would be doing and I didn’t want to carry God around with me while I broke His commandments. This world beats us up and tears us down sometimes. It shows us the darkest parts of ourselves and turns beautiful souls into ugly monsters. I believed I could redeem my father so I followed him into Hell. As a reward for my eternal optimism, his hate and evil consumed me until I, in turn, consumed him.
Where is God? It’s a question everyone asks in moments of crisis, in the dark times when what some people say is our true nature is revealed. I remember as a wee, young lass I learned the story of Job. Job had a nice home and a loving family not to mention a good relationship with God. Satan decided that he would reveal Job’s faith as a lie by taking away all of the good things God had given him. God allowed catastrophes to befall Job one after another and I remember asking my father why God let Satan do such terrible things to him. Reverend Craig told me it was because Job needed to be punished for his lack of faith in the Lord Almighty. Am I Job now, Lord? Was this punishment for my lack of faith in your everlasting redemption that extends even to unholy monsters like my father?
There are no answers. There are no answers in the sleepless nights when my weary body begs for rest yet my mind forces me awake. There are no answers in the empty growls of my stomach as it begs for nourishment nor in the gnawing guilt I feel in the pit of my soul. There are no answers in the book I have led my life according to and the God who may forgive all sins but seems content with letting them occur over and over again. Sometimes bad things always happen to the best of people and though all of us may start out with beautiful, gentle souls the world will take what we love and destroy it. The world is a cruel place sometimes and it’s at its cruelest when it forces us to survive at the expense of the ones we love.
